I have a problem with being different because I am considered nice. What is the alternative, being mean or indifferent? Without realizing it consciously, I have allowed myself to not care about people. Nobody around me does. Why should I put forth the extra effort? When I do, Im considered a Christian suck up who doesn't have a grip on reality.

I have allowed the world to define me, without my even knowing. I have always been nice in the past because it was who I was. There was a direct connection to my identity and the person I was in public. There is now too, but it is not centered around being nice to people. I am just being the standard that most people expect from each other. The problem is some people just keep on opening up to me the more I distant myself as the listener and lover.

I have felt much of my joy for life decrease. Things become more of an obligation than enjoyable tasks. This will take more processing and thought, but I believe I cannot be lukewarm. I must either separate even more from the people I consider my friends as I find myself, or I must bring being nice to a high-priority focus.

I have attempted to remove myself from tasks I consider an obligation to increase focus, but focus has been indifferent.

What breached the disconnect? This last year Ive worked harder than ever. I also participated in secular college classes. I had to rid myself of backburner priorities as I fought to stay afloat.

I continue to listen to podcasts, and I am attending church on Sundays.

Still, my spirit feels sad immediately. As I look deeper, it feels empty.