So growing up with three sisters, I have always been told to protect my family. Because I've grown up in a family which is very independent, I have never felt the necessity to step up as a man other than after the divorce. My parents breaking up unconsciously triggered myself to look into my ethics of right and wrong and speak for them continuously. I fought my mother, begging her to follow through with my sisters and me. I was able to give Ashley a sense of right and wrong. After her, I have been able to mentor many youth in the same way. I do not protect them; I guide them suggesting tools for success. They grow independently .

With Melissa however, I feel like I should protect her. I really feel she is an easily shatterable piece of glass. I can't explain it without sounding like a romance novel, but I feel she is a flower NEEDING to know that she has an endless water supply. I don't know. I don't even know how to give her that water.

#learning #goodsolidstruggles

Things when opposite for me than how most other people process. At first, I don't care what people think. After I get to know the person, in a healthy way, that changes.

I am starting to date about what Melissa's dad thinks of me. Does he view me as a burden if we were going to get serious. Is he worried I am not good enough for his daughter because of the baggage of my parents bring divorced?

He worked so hard at raising his children up right to find that they do not probably meet the standard he set. Am I ok with not being viewed the best for his daughter?

The act of moving forward with intentionality. As the man in this relationship, I do not want to move forward with decisions I don't feel or agree with yet. My commitment is to wait until I feel the peace to go forward. I feel going forward without my consent makes things develop that I didn't choose. This is how relationships break. Someday people wake up and say 'I didn't choose this'.

Marriage.....she brought up marriage. My stomach felt SICK. Um, how did I get this far into something. Now, granted, she said that it was way down the line if we ever decided, but the fact that we openly discussed it, brings one too many squirmy feelings to my body.

My hesitations? First off, I feel like getting married to ANYBODY is the beginning of so many negative things. It's like the beginning of getting old. Good grief. Am I ready to ripen? Secondly, I feel like it is the beginning of death of the awesome, endless freedom I've enjoyed so many years. Is a relationship worth this? Am I ready to settle down and just commit to my family? I always told myself that I must take the responsible role when the opportunity came, but now while I'm staring at it, I could have no farther feeling than the one I do. I don't think I'm ready to be tied down. It's like a kicking dragon, a child who don want to get dressed for church, whatever. Thirdly, am I even close to being the family head material? I have no prior experience. I have no real solid people to look up to who have done this well and Godly. Am I way too over my head for this? Will I just give up someday and say 'I just can't take this anymore?'. Will I get so annoyed with Melissa that I just give up on her? I just don't trust myself. While going into new territory anyways, I feel it is foolish to act like I know what choices I will make. I have seen parts of myself I never knew existed in this, and I'm afraid that by not knowing that, in the future, the possibility of royally messing up is outstanding.

All this aside, what about my witness? I have told youth for years to wait until two years to marry your partner. You go through the seasons twice. Your success rates of being in a lasting marriage are high because you have waited so long. The infatuation stage has worn off long enough. If I have expected other people to consider these facts, I feel strongly that I want to follow them.

I told her there are three things I am waiting for in order for me to even consider going there. First, I feel there are still parts of her heart that she doesn't true me on. Not that she is doing it on purpose, but those things can only be released with time. As she realizes that I am going to still be with her through it, she will build her trust with me. Until then, we have more things to process. Secondly, I think that many of the people she is around is super negative toward her. It is strange, but at the same time, I do not want it to be part of our future. I need to be sure she is willing to step forward with me and leave the negative names people have given her behind. Not that these people are bad, but they have been able to give her so many names in the past that she is ok with it and now so is the culture. Third thing, I have no idea how well she will do with the messianic yet, so that weighs heavy on my heart. I want her to do it with me with a pure heart. These are my trepidations.

Day after thoughts: 1. I like the idea of an active relationship being involved with her community much more than being in the background. It sounds more fun.
2. There is more accountability here.
3. Now I see WHY it is important I met Annamarie. Not Myraim necessarily because she was Melissa's assistant...I would have met her anyway. It does make sense why I was so nervous around these people though. I saw them as Mel's business partners and part of her life; I never thought of them as part of my community.
4. This makes my sisters' weddings more important. Honestly now I wish she could come because she is choosing to become part of my community too.
5. Dating someone from Walmart would make Walmart workers part of my community, which would be fine, but if I had the chance, I'd rather have my community as a body of believers. I want to have the opportunity to be built up spiritually. I don't just want to be doing the building (not saying that people from Walmart aren't Christians.) this is why long-term missionary dating is not the best idea. At your core, you want to be built up, not constantly preaching.

WAMBASHED. Yeah, that's my word for it!

**totally knocked off guard**

Dont you hate when that happens?

I have been dating my girlfriend for close to three months now, and I continue to analyze things and make sure I am doing this scene correctly. Woot for me. lol I am placing procedures into place when I am see that something could be stronger, and so far, it is going well. Call me, Mr. Analytical, sure. Still, I like my thought process!

Today, while getting coffee with Melissa, she said something that caught me totally off guard. Now, she is speaking in a nationwide conference in June, and she wants me to fly down to hear her speak and hang out afterwards. It will be her, her mother, her father, and me. Now, fortunately, the parent deal doesnt bother me (mom scared me at first), but just being there DID.

Counsel is something the C&MA (denomination) puts on every two-three years. Think of it like a giant sukkot...like a giant conference with all of the nation's pastors and spiritual leaders in one place. While this sounds less than inviting (and definitely something I dont want to do!), try having a girlfriend who is asking you to listen to her speak AT this convention. I. Just. About. Died.

Why though?

What are my reasons?

I never want to be someone who just closes off his emotions; I want to be someone who processes his hesitations and can reply with a clear cut reason to why he makes the choices he does. I dont care what the normal expectation is for most men. I want to live life authentically. With these pre-ethics determined, it's time for application.

I dont want to attend the conference because I feel judged....something I usually NEVER feel. I am going to be meeting a bunch of people who are biggies who actually think they are part of my life. Hesitation? I think yes. I do not want to be the person who others feel they have to like because I am dating someone in their group. Better yet, meeting all kinds of people who feel they have to be friends with me to remain in Melissa's life. ENOUGH. That scares and alarms me. Would I be able to be that person who ditches people like the plague? You bet! Still, I do not think Melissa is going to let me off that easy.

She called me out today. She said that she trusts me and wants me to be there. She said that regardless of what I do, that will not spill into her reputation of who she is. Let's face it; I dont want to be walking on pins and needles, and this is why I would be the quietest man alive while we are at places she is speaking at. I dont want to be judged. Melissa said that she likes me for me, and she wants me to be nothing more than herself. She does not care if that risks her reputation or relationships with certain people. Mind Blown. That takes my whole 'operation incognito' away. Also, it gives me the freedom to make some of this world me own. #notexpectingthat I am beginning to breathe more, and I am honestly starting to see how this can work. Good grief. I am moving forward in the ability to be confident in a place I know nothing about.

I am still processing, for I still am beginning to wrap my mind around this. I am comfortable in my own skin, as Im sure you well know, but when is suddenly involves someone else, forget it! I have been in situations with leaders where there are things I can talk about in public and things I cant. I feel it is fake, especially in a world where people NEED authentic.

I am so used to being superman to people not walking with Jesus that I have never even considered a more focused class. The spiritual leader class, no doubt. Goodness..... Now, this isnt to say that I cant be a spiritual leader. I can.....look at what I am about, but I have never been able to even come close to pastors and other people. Post my parents divorce, I developed an idea that I never want to get close to wealthy people (or people who associate with the wealthy). I feel it is a class of people who are not in touch with the world. Seriously, they can be the nicest people, but immediately after I find out they live in a wealthy neighborhood, I develop a personal vendetta against them. I have always said that I need to work at that, but here really is my chance to. To not have to be superman and just to be there to talk and personally develop as a leader....to be on the offense and not on the defense with a body of believers......is hard and not what I am expecting.

I have always assumed I would be in a serious relationship with someone who needed to feel the love of Jesus. This has always been my standard. I have never considered the aspects of meeting someone who was already a passionate believer in Jesus. Looking objectively at this, it makes sense. I tell people constantly to 'not missionary date'. I just never realized that was the type of woman I was setting my standards for. 'Loving someone like Jesus loves them' sounds good thing theory, but a relationship has to be fulfilling in two ways. The believer has to be grow in receiving as well as giving. Ironically, that is a hard concept to understand emotionally. Conceptwise, it makes total sense.

It's like I have been a strong in the deep waters for so long that I only begin to identify myself as someone who 'saves others' and then sets them on their way. I was not ready to meet others in the deep waters with me. Pride? Probably yes. Path check? Definitely 'yes'. So all of this to say that if work allows, I will be going to Florida and just being MYSELF. I will be able to be myself in peace and not feel the reprimanded results of NOT being the generic copy of the Christian church.  #breathingagain

Ill keep you posted on my mental process! haha, my flesh says that if it ends up being a bunch of prideful people who cannot connect with the common body, screw this, but my heart is saying that it results from trust issues with the church from years past. Let's move forward!

Looking at Fear in the Face~

I appreciate your journeying with me as I process my life in light of a deeply energy-seeking relationship. About a year ago, a dear friend of mine went through everyone's worst nightmare. He got a girl pregnant and  tried to make it work with her. This man tried to do good in Yahweh's eyes; he got a job, and he began working hard for his newly accustomed lifestyle. This man soon married his wife, and although he lived with his parents, he kept telling her that he was moving the family out. Finally, he did....the family purchased a home. It was small, but they officially begun their life as an independent married couple.

These people are the nicest people you will ever meet; the husband continued working, and sometimes he would have to work late. When the husband got home, the couple would invite their fellow gamer friend over to play games with him....simple enough, right? As the husband continued to work late trying to move up in management, the wife got bored and began inviting the family friend over for just someone to play games with. This went well. The gamer and the wife's relationship increased. This came to the point where

How is it that someone else's poor choices can hurt you with such effect?

People's wrong moves should not be allowed to be as painful as they are, but many are.

It's not weakness on your part; it can't be. How can I change something I never was given the choice to make so long ago in the first place? Was my father trying to hurt his children? Was he thinking?

More importantly, can this pattern of hurt really change...to the point where sadness is nonexistent? The generations after me will be affected either way. The generation before m will also continue to be present. What is the strong approach here? Is it to maintain? Is it to change with other children I see around? Is it possible to begin changing internally? How do you wake up the numbness of wishing one was loved? The work it took to get there! The obstacles I was able to overcome by remaining indifferent. This has to happen for me to truly be the man I need to be to my children. It's like a cavity that needs to be reopened.

Other thoughts: why did God allow me here in the first place? I would have known I needed Him even without this. The need could had been just as deep.

Why did my daddy not do his job?

The hardest thing for me is to walk out onto a semi-hard platform expecting it to hold you. How on earth do you even chance making such an attempt?

I have (Really God has) pulled me through so much ughness (yes, I just made this a word), and he has given me time to put myself together and move. By constantly going, I do not let things get a firm grasp on me.

I'm sorry? Share that??

These are my ponderings. Honestly, I have a lot on the line here. I do not want to be seen like a charity case, however. I need to see that she is being just as vulnerable. Does she want to hear about me growing up lonely? Can I even go to those days again? I don't feel as though my life is hers to carry. I have been a 'watcher', instead of a 'player' for these reasons.

On top of these thoughts that my life really seems to be a mess despite the fact that I feel I have it together more than some, Melissa brought up another point. I do not have any solid relationship examples of marriage in my life. I don't. This doesn't make me weak; this is reality.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to put your life on the line on a flimsy piece of board. True, honest trust. Trust enough that it hurts to confess from the very fibers of my being. It's really not that bad! Seriously, most of it was just suppressed feelings that I did not/could not acknowledge at the time.

Weakness. Charity case. I will not. Especially in a movement when Christians are dying daily. I am a warrior, and I need to fight. To be honest. To be strong.

These are my ponderings.

Processing....I want to be there for my children. I want to fight for them. I want to fight for their moral standards. I want to be there. I want them to feel they can look up to me and count on me. I want them to know that I do love them. I want them to see me mess up, and I want them to see me ask for forgiveness.