Every woman wants to know she is beautiful. It is built into their very beings. It truly is. Even if men were not created, women would miss it. It is woven into their fibers.

While this is pure, it can easily become the greatest burden. Women need to feel accepted in Jesus. Their confidence needs to be in the True King. Even when men mess up, women need to have the confidence to understand that their person is built from God. It cannot be built up by another man and expect to last.

My father changed into someone my mom hasn't expected after dating and marrying him after six months. My father is a negative and abusive man. My concern had always been that this person this identity will become me.

When I was in middle school I began hitting my sisters because I was angry. Afterwards, I would cry and cry and cry. I begged God to take the anger from me. Finally one day, I felt it go. I made a decision to never open myself up to that again,

I have always been concerned that this would renter my life after I got married. Since I have yet to be, it has always been a nerve-wrecking thought. Would the pressure be so much that I would revert back to the person I was? This is not even close to the identity I have and hold today, but I always want to be cautious.

Today the Lord assured me that this will not happen. I need to step forward in the belief in that. The Lord said that the past has truly died and I am free in the new creation. AWESOME words! Awesome feeling!!

So many questions of value. An I worth it? Am I worth fighting for? She has this solid family, and I do not have much to offer in return. I feel betrayed. I feel like I am out of my league. I almost want to question 'should I turn back now?'. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be felt sorry for. I will not be a charity case!

I just got done hearing Dave doing the message. That's where these feelings are coming from. The Lord assures me it is his anointing I am taken back by, not the struggling person he is or we all are with him.

My first feeling is to run. It has continued to be throughout this. I feel like I am not good enough. It's like my natural go-to is to hide, protect myself, and clam up.

My second reaction is to wait it out. Because I don't want to move too quickly, I become accustomed to these feelings I never knew I had or even came close to identifying with. I have gone through enough things of God to know that waiting while he is twisting things inside of you is the best policy. It's like a jaw bone being broken, so it can be reset. The molding process. Necessary, and needed. Especially when things rise to the surface that are new are old and locked deep inside of the soul you had no idea you had.

My policy has always been to feel the other person's heartbeat in situations before my own, and this works until I find someone who has the exact same policy. We make decisions based upon what we think the other person wants, and it is off. It has always been easy to make a decision, yet this is one of the times I am asked to do something for me. It's hard after living in this mentality that to become selfish once again, almost taboo.

The thing that moved this forward to this current vulnerable place (and I feel it is going to get a lot more vulnerable) is Melissa addressing my concern with a decision. I never want someone to be in a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons, so I always leave the door of escape open. I feel it violates the other person's right if I never offer that choice. Melissa addressed this by saying 'I want to be in this. I am on-board. I don't care if I'm on a sinking ship, I'm committed to this, and I want you to be too.' That sold me. I'm going to try. This understanding that I'm not going to be perfect opens up my attempt to try.

I find that I don't try to do things because I already know in advance that I can't be perfect at it. It is my natural 'go to'. Understanding that and giving me the freedom to fail and for the person willing to take the consequences makes this worth the attempt. It gives me the FREEDOM to try.

It is great to be in a relationship with a girl who is not with me because she is attracted to my confidence but because she likes my personality. She has her own confidence. I do not have to compete against a completely insecure person. This feels so nice!


I do not want to try to be romantic because I feel I will eventually fail as a man, as a husband, I will not be able to keep to the standard or the choices expected. I will fail her, both families, and I will take the title as yet another divorcée. I have kept my life together and have went against the Loftus standard, yet I do not know if I can survive this more intense round. It's like a fear of being 'found out'. I want love, and I want my heart to mend, but the question is whether to do it at the risk of others.

Dads poor mentality has subconsciously been transferred to me.

You never needs things as badly as you think you need them.

I am really done with building a career in my life. I want to focus on loving others and giving them a good time. I just had a dream that I got together a card game for a church. I want to impact large crowds making each act personal enough that they feel they are part of a group that likes to have fun.

It seems like fighting immaturity with people across the board will always be my problem. This morning, I feel a great yearning to invest I'm a young youth.