Kebler Fail.

 So....crashing my normal church pot-luck I just start eating, getting to know people. This girl, who is VERY sweet, is crying her eyes out in a speech. Turns out it was her party to celebrate the success of her recent surgery. I can take 'being solumn', but this girl went ON. I know I sound harsh, but she told everyone the music she was listening to was only the songs that "touched her". She went on about that one time with this lady, or that one thing with that lady until she hit the whole church choir. I kept eating....trying to sound interested....and kept eating. lol It was fun.......lol. But seriously, I am excited for her. I am excited to see what things the girl can now do. She can drive now....woot! And ride roller coasters.....we will test her 'being scared' limits when we travel to World's of Fun next. 

I just understood what the whole thing is regarding praying. When you are praying for things. If you are being Spirit-led, you are praying His heart. You are putting Him into audible words. His desires, His plans, who He is.

I see you. Your pride. You not understanding the love of God....yet. You think you have to do works to be acceptable in His eyes. This will be a hard thing for you to learn. Your heart, Spirit, and soul says something else, but you cannot go there with your mind because these other things weigh you down like a big duck bill looking wood thing. The wood is hollow, and I SO WISH the Lord would allow me to break it off. But it is not my place. You feel His heart moving you. It is something you have hungered for for quite sometime. Still, I dont think you quite understand yet that you will only allow yourself to go so far. Your wooden duck bill gets in the way. Still, Ravish her, Lord. Use her. In her current predicament, see what she is doing for you, and be blessed. Look at the intentions and remove the flesh....if there is still anything left. You must understand that you cannot go where God hasnt led told you to go. If you want to follow the Lord here and do things for Him, then do them under His call. Doing things "for Him" without His leading is your flesh trying to be good. There is no good in you.

There is a higher statue. God's Light is awesome, and it is changing....but you MUST go where He directs you. Don't pay attention to the things that are changing; pay attention to what God is doing in this moment. Many times, He is using you but getting ready to move you into another element. You must be ready to go. Follow Him. Follow who He is. Dont become concerned with the works He does through you. LISTEN to Him and MOVE.

Singing "going postal" by Michael Jackson on the way to the post office. Classic.

Separation. Separation is what I have been missing. I have been combining everyone as one unit. The world. This unit has been too much, and I definitely haven't been able to see God as much as He is present. Because I am sounding like a basketcase, future postings will be shifted to another place, but I want to explain a few elements as I learn/relearn elements that are core to focusing on entirely the Lord.

Still, i'm flabbergasted I missed the trajectory by so far. I'm writing this up as being a 'only Gods timing reveling issue', and moving on. Do not dwell on the past.

Ok, so, prior to this season, I remember crying out to the Lord, "Father, you have shown me great things, but I need someone I can walk with on this path. I desperately need someone that I can share my feelings with, as well as what you have taught me." As time passed, this did not come. I continued to show as much unconditional love as was in me, hoping someone would be able to catch the Light, and the Lord would use these people as someone He would allow me to open to. This did not happen. For me to open up to someone, he/she would have to be in the Lord, focused on receiving direction as much as I was, and it had to be someone who would not just waver because of issues I was going through. Again, this did not come. My love was growing cold. (Maybe this was there, but for some reason, I didnt see it.) Remember, I cant open up to someone who sees only the anointing the Lord has put on me, for for some people, this is the glimpse of God they get, and this canNOT be tainted by my desires.

This void continued to increase, and I attempted to fill it with work/mission work. Yes, these strategies definitely worked, but if an emotion/feeling need does not get filled, you will begin to change....which is what I did.

My love grew cold. My love for people grew cold. As it became less about God and his unconditional love, it became more about my fleshly desires. ...which makes total sense.

When I get supremely busy, my extreme defense mechanism instantly takes all of my stresses and combines them into everything I can think of. Instead of viewing people in love, I began to view them as a combined anxiety the Lord wasnt giving me love for.

The Lord and I made a commitment that we would be together through anything, and he is taking me out and restabilizing me. I have changed who I was in the past. Yes, I still have the head knowledge, but the love knowledge has changed. Only feeling that unconditional love of someone meeting me where I was and allowing me to express that head knowledge and feelings could breathe new air into my soul. It is like an old machine that has died in the 80's being refilled a tiny bit and coming back to life. The journey has again started...

I know that in the past I never felt the Lord's acceptance of me telling others what He has taught me. I wonder if the source of fresh air will go away by His doing. And if it does, how long will I last?

Unconditional love is the base upon what I base my soul and spirit on. This is the facet that I need to be the person God has called me to be. Using this base, I encounter people on a daily basis. I need to see where individuals are, talk with them about things that are important to them, and then once they leave, return to unconditional love. People will come and go, but the unconditional love will always remain.

Note that I did not see any of these shutdown/giving up actions within me until unconditional love was once again shown to me for restabilization.

BQOTN: I don't need to buy maggots for fishing; I'll figure out how to  grow my own. **only after do I realize what that statement implies** =)

A guy stopped to pick me up and take me somewhere. Anywhere I wanted to go. At midnight.with a pack on. Heck yeah for American decency!
Springtime is here. The same welcoming, familiar smells remind me of Europe almost a year ago. Gosh, the feeling of absolute freedom as I explored the cultures of our world. It is a sense of adventure I begin to crave unbeseachingly.

What awesome adventures await me in the future. This hunger (without sounding too cliche) steadily comes on like a sickness. And the craving depends each round it occurs.

Side-swiped. Ten things clicked into place today, and I am still taken back at how it all happened. Normally, I would write this on my more personal blog, but I feel this needs to be shared with my readers as to what the Lord has done; it is just too big.

Sometime, along the way, I have felt rejected. I have trained myself to ignore any personal hurt and focus on the hurting and doing what good I can accomplish. As I have pursued God in the past, I have felt me climb to new heights, and I only began to falter when I did not feel my unconditional love support any longer. Immediately, without realizing it, one falls from a process where one cares only about the Lord to where one desperately looks for that confidence. He will seek out anything to do it, try anything, go with anyone, follow crowds to gain only a heightened-short-lived feeling of this need. Most of the time, in my opinion, it is impossible to accomplish. It becomes you vs. the world.

To fight this and even being willing to change, the unconditional source must first be met. Someone needs to hear the other out in their entirety and THEN choose to spend time with him to accomplish this. Once this individual understands his feelings are acknowledged and someone is willing to understand the burden with him, the conflicted individual gains room to grow, opens himself up to moving with the Lord, etc.

Facebook brings rejection; it is constantly a gauge of people telling other people what they do/do not like. This gauge cannot be what we go by, for we have to go on our own path to follow the Lord.

I have lost it. I have lost my focus. I still care about others in my current state, but I have not been able to love them unconditionally because I was not filling my void of relentless love. I have wondered why my love has grown cold for so many individuals, and now it makes sense, I NEED to feel this assurance in order for me to pour it out. You can only love, support, give hope to the degree you have received this. **new added park**  This is a constant need that needs to be filled. Receive love unconditionally, and watch one change the world.

This is not only a call for understanding; this is a call to meet the needs of others. Something I used to understand that I shockingly forgot is that only unconditional love will allow the lost to feel loved and give them a desire to meet the Lord.

I feel myself regaining strength, and as I begin to slowly desire to go new places with God, I pray that the Lord sends more sources for me to feed from in case my current sources leave or something gets ruined. I find it interesting that many people have shown me this love throughout this time, yet I have not opened up to them. Why?

As I begin this state of change/revivification, I pray that I remain strong enough before I get sent out again.

I can feel that the best is yet to come. 

This is always a deeper level to reach. We must attempt to remain sensitive to higher understandings on topics discussed, and as the Lord reveals, understand that this is not the finished product. We are always a work in progress. If we lose motivation to continue knowing the Lord deeper, it is easy to become arrogant and comfortable where we are.

It is so important to spend time waiting before the Lord. This allows time for you to be changed simply by His hand. Waiting before the Lord teaches you patience. The Lord may choose to teach you about what is going to happen in the future (prophecy), or he may shift around the core threads of who you and bring forth desires for you to suddenly want something else or a new standard. Waiting before the Lord is core to moving forward with God. He wants a relationship with you. One in which you make an actual decision to spend time waiting/meeting Him.

The Lord changes your heart-stringed desires as he continues to reshape and remold you. Just like the Potter is constantly reshaping His clay to make it more pure and larger to take in more water, so shall you also be changed. PRESS into His desires and GIVE your parts of your heart to Him, slowly as He asks for them. Watch as He teaches you a new thing or a deeper outlook on a previously set angle. Watch Him work and be patient as He changes the cards of a puzzle around you to look different, yet Godly. Pour more of you out, so He can pour more of Himself in. Set TIME for this process; this doesnt just come.

Allow yourself to be changed. Trust God enough to let Him change you. It can be hard to let anyone in (yes, including God) to revolutionize your life or even change you in the slightest, but through Godly strength (note, this strength truly is Godly....you must feel it in your Spirit and soul to trust Him) you will become a new creation.


If you want to make a difference in the world or if you want to move forward in ANYTHING, this is the process you must take. There is a plan here, and God is asking you to be part of it. For this to happen though, you must be willing to follow Him anywhere. Follow Him anywhere as in give up all of who you are to Him for Him to shine His glory through you. There is a plan here. Let's wait to see what He has in mind.

So what is He doing in your life? Why dont you see things from a Godly perspective 100% yet? This comes through prayer. God desires to make us 100% feeling individuals. God TRULY wants to wake us up from what we consider living and allow us to "really live". God wants us to feel ALL of our emotions to truly experience life. Life is a gift, and God wants us to enjoy it in His heart.

Goodness, what is God doing in my life next?

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Don't mistake confidence for spiritual intelligence. Confidence is so key to completing works the Lord wants done (HE brings the confidence, but like everything, the flesh needs to be burned out first), but remember that a confident Christian may not still have it together...it could be arrogant confidence (not from God or pushed too soon from the individual because infer is tired of awkwardness), or it could be that one just received this level of strength and is learning hour to deal with it (making decisions too rashly without waiting on the Lord).

Check heart intentions of a confident person, and even if he or she isn't there yet, it is a good indicator to see if her is even in the ball park.

I have seen many guys that immediately become involved in the ministry because manly Christians are in such need, but I wonder what these people would be under different circumstances. #2 Is the need being met by these steps taken, or is the Christian leading culture continuing to take over?

To affect someone spiritually, you must first supply ask of their others needs, so they open up to the God idea.

Tonight I went to a music concert Brandee was in at Ashland high school. I find it humorous after I see am old person that seemed old seven years ago. I was certain these people would have been so far gone by now its not even funny. Wrong! Lol

Denver Nuggets-first NBA game

Ummmm?

Ok, so yesterday, I Dj'ed a Mormon wedding. It went well, and I admit, I used the whole "Mormons work for merit to get a higher ranking in heaven" a bit to my advantage. Prior to leaving, I almost gave out my address to begin a weekly housekeeping service. =) haha, so I noticed something that shook me a bit. Ok, a lot.... Mormons are so confident and relaxed in their environment. I am always impressed with the way they carry themselves. These people know how to cook, knit/sew, entertain company, have a good time doing anything, and handle kids. If you want the honest truth, I SO wish I could learn these confidence-building techniques and replicate them in the Christian church. Seriously, I have never seen so many parents understand the importance of walking their children through complicated/awkward situations....situations they NEED to go through to get used to....one of the biggest confidence-building techniques I know!

The Christian church teaches followers to be humble, and there is no emphasis on children. Sure, there is Sunday school, but after this, it becomes "each family on their own" again. I hope I can find a community where my children will be able to feel this confidence and family-type atmosphere in the Christian movement.

In other news, I went to Christ Community this morning. I noticed how well-polished the late service ran; frankly, I was surprised/enjoyed it. The early services had, in my opinion, always felt as though we were just following a schedule to get through the morning.

The Lord continues to remind me how important it is to be in fellowship with brethren of like faith. Notice the word 'faith' because no one will ever agree 100% doctrinally (not that I can think of a difference right now, it just seems that everyone believes something different). It is a breath of fresh air...KNOWING others are fighting the Jesus fight with the world. A fellowship of brethren allows me to see strengths in others and see how God has taken people farther in things I am weak in. I really wish I could go CCC or somewhere every week. I could do it, but I would be coming in like a zombie, and let's face it, I wouldn't get a thing out of it.

I was taken back when I realized how people that Ive known for a few years now are the exact same as I remembered last. This is refreshing because frankly, the first time, I thought people were all putting on a show. How refreshing to know that it isnt an act. I realized that my upbringing has affected the lens I use. Meeting people that genuinely care about others is a good feeling. Most of the girls that I remember being "on the prowl" for a man have solidified, and they are now more confident in who they are/in who they are in God. What a good feeling to see that it was "the age" thing for all of the people my age the last time I was there.

It happens all the time. I see women that could be so much more. I heart seriously bleeds for these people. When they realize that God has other plans for me (as in not with them), I hurt knowing they are back at square one. Now, dont get me wrong, I am not flirting with them, but the fact that a GUY is TALKING to them warms their souls. For this reason, it would be ten times better to not get married. Marriage is a carnal thing, yet my soul wants someone to experience things with. IDK, I just wish I could just date these people and instantly leave their lives knowing that their confidence has been established. Solution here? Nope....let my heart continue to bleed and pour as much as I can into these girls I constantly see. I SO WISH they could find their confidence in God and forget about what the world thinks about them, but when you have grown up constantly thinking people are thinking negative things about how you look, HOW are you supposed to take that power away and focus on God. Clearly, the solution is God............How can I direct them to God and tell them they are beautiful and for them to really receive it that I am talking to each one specifically.

People don't live passionately, and when someone speaks with passion, it's usually not received well Because people don't know how to handle it....don't let this standard define you.

Today Jeremiah and I bought fishing licenses, and we went fishing. Here was the reward. Notice the singular adjective.

There will always be people who think they have a better plan, but at some point, we have to stand up for what we believe in. My goals are no different than yours.


Change is possible; it's as vital as breathing.

-both from The Mighty Macs Movie-

I am waiting for a funeral to begin, and let me make you laugh with the details....nobody its below the age of 45, everybody its talking about where they are taking their campers next, there is seriously a security camera over the body in case it gets stolen, and I feel out of place. :-)  you're welcome.

That sick feeling you get when the man leaving the bathroom you are entering has terrible hygiene and is smiling as wide as ever...

Gas station pump screen....RUDE.

Siting in court...warrant number two it for my arrest... =O

To choose to get to know somebody that is looking for an emotional attachment right from the get go is tiring. measures need to be implemented to be sure you remain saf,e and two, you don't spend r enough time with these people for them to survive efficiently by clinging onto you. I go as far as saying spend even less time them you do with your trustworthy friends. They need to knitter such durability Abe assurance its out there, yet out must be emotionally known that this strength can only come from God.

Usually these individuals get restless and back way off before they find the assurance. they have to understand they have the addiction in the first place.

To learn that balance without coming off as arrogant...

The joys of being a man include watching in awe as different guys try new things never before thought of. The watching man grows inspired as to what cool new things he can bounce off of that. Thus,  the fun, light-hearted challenge continues. Being a man is fun!

It also includes doing manly things. Learning how to fish,  hike, boat, climb, hunt, and just enjoy others in order to have a good time is what the core is about. Assimilating into the culture of what men do, and out of joy, learning to do it well. This association grows as each task is accomplished.

The question then presents itself, in todays culture, is it possible to learn these associations through google and YouTube? Is a man able to understand and desire manly associations without actual male physical contact? This answer is still being concluded...

Desperately seeking a heart after you.

Spend time perfecting what is under my hood. Purge myself of inadequate feelings, animosity, guilt, and known sin and actions.

My grandmas sister has Parkinson's disease. They are relatively healthy minus getting shorter.

Talking with my grandma about Her sisters sagging breasts and their daughters saying they still have it as they dress their parents (putting on their bras because they can't do it)...most awkward conversation ever!

Don't be afraid to give trust where trust is due.

Do not play on someone's immaturity to gain an upper hand in issues.