I have a problem with being different because I am considered nice. What is the alternative, being mean or indifferent? Without realizing it consciously, I have allowed myself to not care about people. Nobody around me does. Why should I put forth the extra effort? When I do, Im considered a Christian suck up who doesn't have a grip on reality.

I have allowed the world to define me, without my even knowing. I have always been nice in the past because it was who I was. There was a direct connection to my identity and the person I was in public. There is now too, but it is not centered around being nice to people. I am just being the standard that most people expect from each other. The problem is some people just keep on opening up to me the more I distant myself as the listener and lover.

I have felt much of my joy for life decrease. Things become more of an obligation than enjoyable tasks. This will take more processing and thought, but I believe I cannot be lukewarm. I must either separate even more from the people I consider my friends as I find myself, or I must bring being nice to a high-priority focus.

I have attempted to remove myself from tasks I consider an obligation to increase focus, but focus has been indifferent.

What breached the disconnect? This last year Ive worked harder than ever. I also participated in secular college classes. I had to rid myself of backburner priorities as I fought to stay afloat.

I continue to listen to podcasts, and I am attending church on Sundays.

Still, my spirit feels sad immediately. As I look deeper, it feels empty. 

Tonight I made a startling discovery. Back when I was in high school, My mom had moved us from our small town into the nearby big city. My parents had just recently divorced, and thus, We had both child-support and money for a decent house in our new community. My mother decided to rent because she thought that Jesus was coming back soon, and in the meantime, she could work at the ministry school we kids were getting ready to attend. The school is volunteer-based, and thus, You need to come up with your own income in order to work there. After the first year, Jesus had not come back. After the second year, we were still waiting. Finally after the third year, due to eating out a lot and poor financial choices, my family had become broke. 

My mom was excited for this phase, For this was her opportunity to live completely by faith. We still received child support, But because my Sister Megan and I had both graduated, My mom was only getting paid for my youngest sister Ashley. Megan and I had both continued at the school after we graduated. We became teachers. I taught third, fifth, and sixth grades while Megan taught first grade. 

We knew that mom had always told us she was living by faith, but we hadn't really taken her seriously considering our lifestyle of eating out and basically getting whatever we really needed or sometimes wanted. We had moved from a very wealthy class while my parents were married, and into a class where we were just barely getting by. I was okay with this sacrifice because we all knew what we were getting into moving to Omaha. Our ministry was people, all types of people, and we happily sacrificed as long as God would provide our basic needs. 

One winter morning while my family was dressing for school, my mom nonchalantly approached us, and she explained that we might be locked out after we came home from school today. She acted as though she didn't really care if we had a place to stay that night or not. I felt hurt by both my mom and God. How could my mom forsake her primary responsibility of being a parent and throw it by the wayside while her family counted so much on her? Secondly, where was God in all of this? We had sacrificed so much in order to follow God's will. We had chosen to forsake college for the time being in order to teach voluntarily a school that didn't pay. Our lives were not about ourselves is about teaching the word of God to others and making sure they had a solid education an intercity environment. Hadnt our sacrifice from riches to basically poor than enough?  He said he would provide for our needs. I felt betrayed, discouraged, and most of all, disappointed. How could the God of the angel armies do this to one of his believers? I had put him first in so many things! 

My family and basic survival skills kicked in after that. Instead of getting dressed that morning, my family loaded every thing we prize dearest into the car. We drove to the school because we had a responsibility to continue, but I didn't want to teach. I wanted to run so far away from a hurtful God who didn't appreciate me when I needed him most. The principal of the school saw our disgruntled faces, and she immediately asked my mother what was wrong. If looks could kill, I gave her a look that would have done the job instantly. Suddenly, I hated everything she stood for, Her walk of faith, and her persevering personality. 

As I was walking to my classroom, My mother explained to the principal in her office what was going on. I focused on my students, not wanting them to notice that I was struggling. 

The principal wrote my mom a check for the month's rent, my mom cashed the check, and immediately went to pay the landlord. While this was a very nice gesture, I could not deny my feelings of betrayal and being forgotten by God. One could argue that the Lord provided through the principal, but the Lord says to focus on him and he will provide all your needs. This was another human being feeling sorry for our situation. This was not God. 

We returned home that day and we unloaded the van and brought everything back into our rooms. I kept everything packed knowing that this was a slippery slope from here. After the next month, suddenly, again, we are at the mercy of the principal. This was becoming manipulation. This is not how the God of the Bible worked in the Bible.  He should have provided for our needs as long as we focused on his purposes. 

After this cycle repeated four or five times, the landlord finally told us that he wouldn't accept any more money and he just wanted us out. How could a family who used to be so wealthy now be an embarrassment to our family reputation and at the mercy of anyone who is willing to help? 

My mom received a call from an old church friend. The lady was excited to tell my mom that she was getting married. As my mom and her continued in conversation, my mom mentioned that soon we would not have a place to stay. Trying to do what's right, and help those in need, this lady offered her old house to us to come stay for a while. My mom was ecstatic. To her, this was an answer to prayer. To me, this was a sweet lady who felt sorry for my family's situation. 

As I packed, I had decided that I believed in God but I was not convinced that he cared about us or the sacrifices we were making in his name. My family was now at the mercy to all those who stood for Christ and his principles, instead of being at the mercy of God. 

The house was in one of the greatest crime impacted areas of Omaha. I felt ashamed telling my friends that I was teaching at a school for free in the name of Jesus and also at the mercy of anyone who would be willing to offer help. Such blasphemy! Jesus hadn't come through for us; people felt obligated to step in. 

If we would have rented the house I would've had no issue with the location where we live. Knowing that this was our only option, And also with the addition of tons of bedbugs in my new room, I was embarrassed and ashamed. My friends called the house up until the point when the phone got disconnected because we couldn't pay for it. Here we mighty Christians are for believing on the word of God sitting here with a disconnected phone line. Did God even care? 

It felt like my mom did not care about her family. She only cared about following 'God's will'. Some nights we would hear gunshots. I waited for my mother to finally make a decision to give up, but her perseverance was honorable.

The loneliness increased. How could an 18-year-old guy become so lonely and feel so forgotten? 

Approaching the end of the school year, I decided I would not remain at home sitting by myself waiting for God to move. I wanted to find an escape. I went online to research Christian caps. I looked for camps all over the Midwest ranging from Wyoming Colorado Kansas and Nebraska. Because it was so late in the season, most camps had already chosen their staff.  Just being especially cautious that I would have somewhere to go, I also applied at a Christian camp 45 minutes outside of Omaha. Out of all the campsite I applied at, only The local camp was still hiring. I quickly finished the school year and went for staff training.

Staff training for the camp I was would soon be attending began training the last week of school. I asked my principal for the days off, so I would be able to attend camp. The principal said 'no', and she in fact, called the camp to explain the situation. This crossed a major line with me.

The camp would not allow me to miss staff training, so I told the principle that I would be leaving regardless. The principal accepted my offer reluctantly, and in fact, she made the last week of school disappear for everyone in session. Everyone got out a week early.

I began, but I felt that the Lord had more for me to learn in the wilderness in my home where I had spent the school year. Regardless, I was done for the time being. About two weeks in to the camp, I felt I shift. This shift literally took my spirit from a dry wilderness into what felt like civilization. The shift I felt physically. It literally felt Like a lock had been sealed upon my heart for how deep I had just trotted with Jesus. It was like this camp was a cover-up, but I was had been so lonely that I would not return home even if I knew I should have. I felt as though the Lord would take me back around this mountain someday. This mountain, this journey, of loneliness. 

I willingly left what many people strive to seek out or entertain. I left a place where I felt it was just me and Jesus, for the friendship and society of our world. I felt as though God had not come through for me even though I trotted so deep waiting for him in face to pull me out. I felt as though God had not done his job, and I waited so strongly in faith, that it really hurt to feel abandoned. I felt as though God didn't care about the sacrifices I was making for him. Why hadn't God come through a time at my family specifically set apart to seek after him and learn about his ways? Why hadn't God provided for us when we needed him most? It became pity party for my family, instead of a family that was shining because God was prevalent in our lives. 

Isn't love interesting? Tonight, I am sponsoring a drug-free dance at a camp in Milford, NE. I go from the father who is giving advice, making sure the kids in my group are having fun and are being appreciated. 

In all of this, one of my kids are 'going out' with a girl he met. I told him I was proud of him for asking her. Between you and me, I know that this wont last past the week, yet to him, this is happening. At his age, it is more of a status symbol than an actual deep, committed relationship. Still, nobody could even try to tell him differently!

Isn't it weird how our aspect of a committed relationship is different than this age? Totally different world. This is all I have for tonight. 

So growing up with three sisters, I have always been told to protect my family. Because I've grown up in a family which is very independent, I have never felt the necessity to step up as a man other than after the divorce. My parents breaking up unconsciously triggered myself to look into my ethics of right and wrong and speak for them continuously. I fought my mother, begging her to follow through with my sisters and me. I was able to give Ashley a sense of right and wrong. After her, I have been able to mentor many youth in the same way. I do not protect them; I guide them suggesting tools for success. They grow independently .

With Melissa however, I feel like I should protect her. I really feel she is an easily shatterable piece of glass. I can't explain it without sounding like a romance novel, but I feel she is a flower NEEDING to know that she has an endless water supply. I don't know. I don't even know how to give her that water.

#learning #goodsolidstruggles

Things when opposite for me than how most other people process. At first, I don't care what people think. After I get to know the person, in a healthy way, that changes.

I am starting to date about what Melissa's dad thinks of me. Does he view me as a burden if we were going to get serious. Is he worried I am not good enough for his daughter because of the baggage of my parents bring divorced?

He worked so hard at raising his children up right to find that they do not probably meet the standard he set. Am I ok with not being viewed the best for his daughter?

The act of moving forward with intentionality. As the man in this relationship, I do not want to move forward with decisions I don't feel or agree with yet. My commitment is to wait until I feel the peace to go forward. I feel going forward without my consent makes things develop that I didn't choose. This is how relationships break. Someday people wake up and say 'I didn't choose this'.

Marriage.....she brought up marriage. My stomach felt SICK. Um, how did I get this far into something. Now, granted, she said that it was way down the line if we ever decided, but the fact that we openly discussed it, brings one too many squirmy feelings to my body.

My hesitations? First off, I feel like getting married to ANYBODY is the beginning of so many negative things. It's like the beginning of getting old. Good grief. Am I ready to ripen? Secondly, I feel like it is the beginning of death of the awesome, endless freedom I've enjoyed so many years. Is a relationship worth this? Am I ready to settle down and just commit to my family? I always told myself that I must take the responsible role when the opportunity came, but now while I'm staring at it, I could have no farther feeling than the one I do. I don't think I'm ready to be tied down. It's like a kicking dragon, a child who don want to get dressed for church, whatever. Thirdly, am I even close to being the family head material? I have no prior experience. I have no real solid people to look up to who have done this well and Godly. Am I way too over my head for this? Will I just give up someday and say 'I just can't take this anymore?'. Will I get so annoyed with Melissa that I just give up on her? I just don't trust myself. While going into new territory anyways, I feel it is foolish to act like I know what choices I will make. I have seen parts of myself I never knew existed in this, and I'm afraid that by not knowing that, in the future, the possibility of royally messing up is outstanding.

All this aside, what about my witness? I have told youth for years to wait until two years to marry your partner. You go through the seasons twice. Your success rates of being in a lasting marriage are high because you have waited so long. The infatuation stage has worn off long enough. If I have expected other people to consider these facts, I feel strongly that I want to follow them.

I told her there are three things I am waiting for in order for me to even consider going there. First, I feel there are still parts of her heart that she doesn't true me on. Not that she is doing it on purpose, but those things can only be released with time. As she realizes that I am going to still be with her through it, she will build her trust with me. Until then, we have more things to process. Secondly, I think that many of the people she is around is super negative toward her. It is strange, but at the same time, I do not want it to be part of our future. I need to be sure she is willing to step forward with me and leave the negative names people have given her behind. Not that these people are bad, but they have been able to give her so many names in the past that she is ok with it and now so is the culture. Third thing, I have no idea how well she will do with the messianic yet, so that weighs heavy on my heart. I want her to do it with me with a pure heart. These are my trepidations.

Day after thoughts: 1. I like the idea of an active relationship being involved with her community much more than being in the background. It sounds more fun.
2. There is more accountability here.
3. Now I see WHY it is important I met Annamarie. Not Myraim necessarily because she was Melissa's assistant...I would have met her anyway. It does make sense why I was so nervous around these people though. I saw them as Mel's business partners and part of her life; I never thought of them as part of my community.
4. This makes my sisters' weddings more important. Honestly now I wish she could come because she is choosing to become part of my community too.
5. Dating someone from Walmart would make Walmart workers part of my community, which would be fine, but if I had the chance, I'd rather have my community as a body of believers. I want to have the opportunity to be built up spiritually. I don't just want to be doing the building (not saying that people from Walmart aren't Christians.) this is why long-term missionary dating is not the best idea. At your core, you want to be built up, not constantly preaching.

WAMBASHED. Yeah, that's my word for it!

**totally knocked off guard**

Dont you hate when that happens?

I have been dating my girlfriend for close to three months now, and I continue to analyze things and make sure I am doing this scene correctly. Woot for me. lol I am placing procedures into place when I am see that something could be stronger, and so far, it is going well. Call me, Mr. Analytical, sure. Still, I like my thought process!

Today, while getting coffee with Melissa, she said something that caught me totally off guard. Now, she is speaking in a nationwide conference in June, and she wants me to fly down to hear her speak and hang out afterwards. It will be her, her mother, her father, and me. Now, fortunately, the parent deal doesnt bother me (mom scared me at first), but just being there DID.

Counsel is something the C&MA (denomination) puts on every two-three years. Think of it like a giant sukkot...like a giant conference with all of the nation's pastors and spiritual leaders in one place. While this sounds less than inviting (and definitely something I dont want to do!), try having a girlfriend who is asking you to listen to her speak AT this convention. I. Just. About. Died.

Why though?

What are my reasons?

I never want to be someone who just closes off his emotions; I want to be someone who processes his hesitations and can reply with a clear cut reason to why he makes the choices he does. I dont care what the normal expectation is for most men. I want to live life authentically. With these pre-ethics determined, it's time for application.

I dont want to attend the conference because I feel judged....something I usually NEVER feel. I am going to be meeting a bunch of people who are biggies who actually think they are part of my life. Hesitation? I think yes. I do not want to be the person who others feel they have to like because I am dating someone in their group. Better yet, meeting all kinds of people who feel they have to be friends with me to remain in Melissa's life. ENOUGH. That scares and alarms me. Would I be able to be that person who ditches people like the plague? You bet! Still, I do not think Melissa is going to let me off that easy.

She called me out today. She said that she trusts me and wants me to be there. She said that regardless of what I do, that will not spill into her reputation of who she is. Let's face it; I dont want to be walking on pins and needles, and this is why I would be the quietest man alive while we are at places she is speaking at. I dont want to be judged. Melissa said that she likes me for me, and she wants me to be nothing more than herself. She does not care if that risks her reputation or relationships with certain people. Mind Blown. That takes my whole 'operation incognito' away. Also, it gives me the freedom to make some of this world me own. #notexpectingthat I am beginning to breathe more, and I am honestly starting to see how this can work. Good grief. I am moving forward in the ability to be confident in a place I know nothing about.

I am still processing, for I still am beginning to wrap my mind around this. I am comfortable in my own skin, as Im sure you well know, but when is suddenly involves someone else, forget it! I have been in situations with leaders where there are things I can talk about in public and things I cant. I feel it is fake, especially in a world where people NEED authentic.

I am so used to being superman to people not walking with Jesus that I have never even considered a more focused class. The spiritual leader class, no doubt. Goodness..... Now, this isnt to say that I cant be a spiritual leader. I can.....look at what I am about, but I have never been able to even come close to pastors and other people. Post my parents divorce, I developed an idea that I never want to get close to wealthy people (or people who associate with the wealthy). I feel it is a class of people who are not in touch with the world. Seriously, they can be the nicest people, but immediately after I find out they live in a wealthy neighborhood, I develop a personal vendetta against them. I have always said that I need to work at that, but here really is my chance to. To not have to be superman and just to be there to talk and personally develop as a leader....to be on the offense and not on the defense with a body of believers......is hard and not what I am expecting.

I have always assumed I would be in a serious relationship with someone who needed to feel the love of Jesus. This has always been my standard. I have never considered the aspects of meeting someone who was already a passionate believer in Jesus. Looking objectively at this, it makes sense. I tell people constantly to 'not missionary date'. I just never realized that was the type of woman I was setting my standards for. 'Loving someone like Jesus loves them' sounds good thing theory, but a relationship has to be fulfilling in two ways. The believer has to be grow in receiving as well as giving. Ironically, that is a hard concept to understand emotionally. Conceptwise, it makes total sense.

It's like I have been a strong in the deep waters for so long that I only begin to identify myself as someone who 'saves others' and then sets them on their way. I was not ready to meet others in the deep waters with me. Pride? Probably yes. Path check? Definitely 'yes'. So all of this to say that if work allows, I will be going to Florida and just being MYSELF. I will be able to be myself in peace and not feel the reprimanded results of NOT being the generic copy of the Christian church.  #breathingagain

Ill keep you posted on my mental process! haha, my flesh says that if it ends up being a bunch of prideful people who cannot connect with the common body, screw this, but my heart is saying that it results from trust issues with the church from years past. Let's move forward!

Looking at Fear in the Face~

I appreciate your journeying with me as I process my life in light of a deeply energy-seeking relationship. About a year ago, a dear friend of mine went through everyone's worst nightmare. He got a girl pregnant and  tried to make it work with her. This man tried to do good in Yahweh's eyes; he got a job, and he began working hard for his newly accustomed lifestyle. This man soon married his wife, and although he lived with his parents, he kept telling her that he was moving the family out. Finally, he did....the family purchased a home. It was small, but they officially begun their life as an independent married couple.

These people are the nicest people you will ever meet; the husband continued working, and sometimes he would have to work late. When the husband got home, the couple would invite their fellow gamer friend over to play games with him....simple enough, right? As the husband continued to work late trying to move up in management, the wife got bored and began inviting the family friend over for just someone to play games with. This went well. The gamer and the wife's relationship increased. This came to the point where

How is it that someone else's poor choices can hurt you with such effect?

People's wrong moves should not be allowed to be as painful as they are, but many are.

It's not weakness on your part; it can't be. How can I change something I never was given the choice to make so long ago in the first place? Was my father trying to hurt his children? Was he thinking?

More importantly, can this pattern of hurt really change...to the point where sadness is nonexistent? The generations after me will be affected either way. The generation before m will also continue to be present. What is the strong approach here? Is it to maintain? Is it to change with other children I see around? Is it possible to begin changing internally? How do you wake up the numbness of wishing one was loved? The work it took to get there! The obstacles I was able to overcome by remaining indifferent. This has to happen for me to truly be the man I need to be to my children. It's like a cavity that needs to be reopened.

Other thoughts: why did God allow me here in the first place? I would have known I needed Him even without this. The need could had been just as deep.

Why did my daddy not do his job?

The hardest thing for me is to walk out onto a semi-hard platform expecting it to hold you. How on earth do you even chance making such an attempt?

I have (Really God has) pulled me through so much ughness (yes, I just made this a word), and he has given me time to put myself together and move. By constantly going, I do not let things get a firm grasp on me.

I'm sorry? Share that??

These are my ponderings. Honestly, I have a lot on the line here. I do not want to be seen like a charity case, however. I need to see that she is being just as vulnerable. Does she want to hear about me growing up lonely? Can I even go to those days again? I don't feel as though my life is hers to carry. I have been a 'watcher', instead of a 'player' for these reasons.

On top of these thoughts that my life really seems to be a mess despite the fact that I feel I have it together more than some, Melissa brought up another point. I do not have any solid relationship examples of marriage in my life. I don't. This doesn't make me weak; this is reality.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to put your life on the line on a flimsy piece of board. True, honest trust. Trust enough that it hurts to confess from the very fibers of my being. It's really not that bad! Seriously, most of it was just suppressed feelings that I did not/could not acknowledge at the time.

Weakness. Charity case. I will not. Especially in a movement when Christians are dying daily. I am a warrior, and I need to fight. To be honest. To be strong.

These are my ponderings.

Processing....I want to be there for my children. I want to fight for them. I want to fight for their moral standards. I want to be there. I want them to feel they can look up to me and count on me. I want them to know that I do love them. I want them to see me mess up, and I want them to see me ask for forgiveness.

Every woman wants to know she is beautiful. It is built into their very beings. It truly is. Even if men were not created, women would miss it. It is woven into their fibers.

While this is pure, it can easily become the greatest burden. Women need to feel accepted in Jesus. Their confidence needs to be in the True King. Even when men mess up, women need to have the confidence to understand that their person is built from God. It cannot be built up by another man and expect to last.

My father changed into someone my mom hasn't expected after dating and marrying him after six months. My father is a negative and abusive man. My concern had always been that this person this identity will become me.

When I was in middle school I began hitting my sisters because I was angry. Afterwards, I would cry and cry and cry. I begged God to take the anger from me. Finally one day, I felt it go. I made a decision to never open myself up to that again,

I have always been concerned that this would renter my life after I got married. Since I have yet to be, it has always been a nerve-wrecking thought. Would the pressure be so much that I would revert back to the person I was? This is not even close to the identity I have and hold today, but I always want to be cautious.

Today the Lord assured me that this will not happen. I need to step forward in the belief in that. The Lord said that the past has truly died and I am free in the new creation. AWESOME words! Awesome feeling!!

So many questions of value. An I worth it? Am I worth fighting for? She has this solid family, and I do not have much to offer in return. I feel betrayed. I feel like I am out of my league. I almost want to question 'should I turn back now?'. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be felt sorry for. I will not be a charity case!

I just got done hearing Dave doing the message. That's where these feelings are coming from. The Lord assures me it is his anointing I am taken back by, not the struggling person he is or we all are with him.

My first feeling is to run. It has continued to be throughout this. I feel like I am not good enough. It's like my natural go-to is to hide, protect myself, and clam up.

My second reaction is to wait it out. Because I don't want to move too quickly, I become accustomed to these feelings I never knew I had or even came close to identifying with. I have gone through enough things of God to know that waiting while he is twisting things inside of you is the best policy. It's like a jaw bone being broken, so it can be reset. The molding process. Necessary, and needed. Especially when things rise to the surface that are new are old and locked deep inside of the soul you had no idea you had.

My policy has always been to feel the other person's heartbeat in situations before my own, and this works until I find someone who has the exact same policy. We make decisions based upon what we think the other person wants, and it is off. It has always been easy to make a decision, yet this is one of the times I am asked to do something for me. It's hard after living in this mentality that to become selfish once again, almost taboo.

The thing that moved this forward to this current vulnerable place (and I feel it is going to get a lot more vulnerable) is Melissa addressing my concern with a decision. I never want someone to be in a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons, so I always leave the door of escape open. I feel it violates the other person's right if I never offer that choice. Melissa addressed this by saying 'I want to be in this. I am on-board. I don't care if I'm on a sinking ship, I'm committed to this, and I want you to be too.' That sold me. I'm going to try. This understanding that I'm not going to be perfect opens up my attempt to try.

I find that I don't try to do things because I already know in advance that I can't be perfect at it. It is my natural 'go to'. Understanding that and giving me the freedom to fail and for the person willing to take the consequences makes this worth the attempt. It gives me the FREEDOM to try.

It is great to be in a relationship with a girl who is not with me because she is attracted to my confidence but because she likes my personality. She has her own confidence. I do not have to compete against a completely insecure person. This feels so nice!


I do not want to try to be romantic because I feel I will eventually fail as a man, as a husband, I will not be able to keep to the standard or the choices expected. I will fail her, both families, and I will take the title as yet another divorcée. I have kept my life together and have went against the Loftus standard, yet I do not know if I can survive this more intense round. It's like a fear of being 'found out'. I want love, and I want my heart to mend, but the question is whether to do it at the risk of others.

Dads poor mentality has subconsciously been transferred to me.

You never needs things as badly as you think you need them.

I am really done with building a career in my life. I want to focus on loving others and giving them a good time. I just had a dream that I got together a card game for a church. I want to impact large crowds making each act personal enough that they feel they are part of a group that likes to have fun.

It seems like fighting immaturity with people across the board will always be my problem. This morning, I feel a great yearning to invest I'm a young youth.

I am for the path lightly spoken and the oath lightly spoken
Where adventure and willingness reside
Where issues are not presented for dramatic interest
And people do not have to show off to be noticed
I am for the ones that have lost the small-beaten path of moving forward and instead try to find themselves on the large solid path that just keeps circling around a small area.
I am calling our tote name,
I really wa t you I'm this adventure bit you have to let to the safety's you have become used to waiting for the real thing
Let it go
Journey with me and I'll journey with you
We will help each other fight along the way
Fight to see in righteousness and keep true to integrity
Three I'd so much more than what you are
Your sins and confidences are taking away what is possible what is attainable
just believe
The journey begins and very abnormally I am immediately lonely,
There is intimacy on the journey I'm this path , and there is pride knowing that you have left the commonplace and begun a real adventure. Your mind starts to question if anyone else left from the commonplace trail and also begun the journey,
Still, not hearing anyone you press on,
Every now and then you pass someone,
How exciting it is to see then again after they des appeared so many years ago,
After awhile, a few of you began to group up,
What an exciting feeling it is to talk travel stories together,
A few days pass, and some of your group members have missed this group setting so much that they begin to slip in their choices.
The issues being worked out within each soul began merging.
Stay on the path, stay on the path,
Before too long, you realize many months have gone by.
You continue to sit and gloat as a group as each individual tells his story. No one is moving forward. God is calling you into something deeper.
As you say 'goodbye', this time it is harder,
You remember the loneliness you felt the first time, and dare you come to that level of grieving again, will you survive?
The small, dusty path continues and as the loneliness comes, so does the conversations with God. At the very same time, you feel lonely and the secrets of your soul unlocking. You are being molded. Press on.
As you come into a clearing, you are more directly untuned as a soldier of The Lord. The loneliness has burned off in most places, and only the truest of desires remain.
Tread lightly, for your time is not yet.
You travel on top of a cliff which looks out over all of this fantasia land,
You look close and see a small area from where the large path resided. The small, dirt path is right there, why can't they see it. Do they want to see it?
Over yonder there are fewer people who have started on the path, but after awhile got tired of following and assumed they could find a better path. How arrogant they are! Don't they see that each one if them created a circular part that only takes you around and around from that spot again?
You see the group that has moved very little. Right now Karl is telling his angel story everyone loves to hear that happened twenty years ago. You are called for a mission says God. This mission is direct and unmoving. Tell my people about my passion and all that I want to shoe them. Remember what you have learned. Immediately I saw a path revealed that took me back to the group with the solid road and beyond. My job is to pour out, so I may be filled up again. My God will not leave me in the night season. His words are for my good and for his righteousness' sake.
Um, God I don't want to go back. I know too much! I left there to join you.
And to join me deeper into the place where I invite you my son you much continue on by starting from your past. My time and ways for you are perfect. Love. Think. Live! Join with me and I'll join with you,
Oh the adventures we will have!
And so off I went without another haste,
Into the place of the king and what he really cares about,
I just never realized it at the time.
And so I come clean to you, people. I will dwell among you. I will love you and encourage you to start your journey...but when my time is up to go to continue this path, do not be alarmed, I moving forwards, not backwards.

Light bounces light and standards beCome greater and more epic. Because crippler slow light trip ambush

University went well....positive thinking about a university...yeah, this was the first time in ten years. I feared the same insecure, overwhelming feelings that constantly trapped me in high school would return, and I would find myself rejecting the little bits of positive achievement that occurred. Goodness, I tried so hard in high school. Yeah, so hard. So, so, so, so, SO hard. All to constantly be just able to keep my head above water. Sometimes, I even had to have others hold me head up.......for me, the ultimate torture.

Ironically, I was the kid that actually "had it together". haha, as CONCERNING 

Truth: I feel like I am not even part of our culture many times. I work and attend school so much that I hardly have time for anything else. This is usually fine with me because I barely have anything else worth switching things for, but I am taken back at the inability to communicate with some people.

Also, I have been struggling lately. The Bible. The B.I.B.L.E. Yes, the holy Word of God. I just cannot get into it. Or more so, I am hearing the same arguments come from the same book, and it seems like nothing is new. The Bible has remained the same for hundreds of years, and I just do not have a desire to read a history book. Now that my flesh has been expressed, I need to find a way to find my way back to enjoying this sacred book. And FAST!

Keep the level steady. Do not allow others around you to sidetrack you and lower your seeking moments. You are in deep love with God, but like any relationship, if you do not cultivate it, others can come between my love and beings to their levels. Not going to happen. I got this! PUSH. The time is almost here!!

Should I be bitter? Should I feel used? I want to see you succeed so much. I want to love you with a Godly love. I see the next step. Seriously, I see the next level, yet I wonder if you will open up enough to run with it. Things have to change, and I'm wondering how God is going to do it. Get him now, Lord! Get him, now!!

I fight for you I fight for you
Will you shine for me?
I am sticking up for you, girl after girl.
Bro, increase the caliber. Increase your heart.
Life is more than outward beauty and passing passion.
Look into yourself to find what must decrease, so he can increase.
I am worried you will miss it.
I love you and will fight for you.
Fight for yourself. Make the choices that are necessary towards moving forward.

Tell me Lord Tell me Lord
What you want what you need me to be
How can I be the person you see in me?
I fight each day, saddened that I never knew this is what you had planned.
Will I be ok with taking so little?

You have always told me you 'will never leave me in my old age', but what about now?
My friends are all getting married and having children while I fight the strength of passion today.
I try not to become bitter, and I will not feel sorry for myself, but my cold heart wonders if this action will move forward,
Or am I created to chance the world alone forever,
God give me my Eve,
I cannot TAKE another wedding party.

Heart Check: I JUST noticed I spend time with people based upon what is big for them. Because I am not making a big sacrifice for me, I don't take it as serious. Give your whole heart. Strength in quality, not numbers.

'every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have shown in it the secret of my own soul.' -Picture of Dorian Gray

Of course you would have treated her kindly. One can always be kind to people about whom he cares nothing. -Picture of Dorian Gray

It seems to me that the further east you go the more unpunctual are the trains. What ought they to be in China? -Dracula