Christian, Jeremiah and me....I told the waiter that we were celebrating Jeremiah's purity and to bring out the staff to sing to him...HE DID!!!! 'Virgin for 27 years!!' Haha!!!

Tonight, I ponder two things....

First, people reach a limit on what they can take in and learn from. Do you fight by surpassing the limit or by changing tactics and only giving once in a while? 

Secondly, from church today, I learned that we become disciples of the Lord and disciple to reach the point where our people split and disciple other people. 

Gratefulness. Having it for people. Hoping that I'm forever grateful. 

When people are grateful for me. It's nice. Sometimes the gratefulness take years to develop. 

I should just be proud that I've done everything I could. 

Courage. Strength. Gratefulness. 

At some point, our morals/values are no longer decaying because of being in the world, and we are standing on our own two feet without the support once required.

My job is to slingshot people forward. I have a high standing and have many life experiences. My job is to get behind them and push them to be the best they can be.

This is great, but in order for me to do this, I have to be able to reach them to get behind them. They have to have some strength accomplished for me to reach them.

God requires sacrifice. If you are not giving something up, you are giving any glory to God. 

I have mentored many youth over the last 15 years, seen many people get married and go off to their next stage of life. Many needed a fatherly figure, and I have tried my best to provide that as best I could. It was a sacrifice and took countless hours....which I am ok with in my sacrifice. I lacked a father, so I gave out of my need.

 I want children I can raise completely.

So I have to ask, is this a sacrifice that will remain? Will I have my own time to raise my children? 

I know had my father been the man I needed, I would have known what to do early in life and have been able to show the confidence needed to commit. I'm convinced. 

Nothing is more frustrating than being stuck and unable to move forward in the next stage of life. Being stuck as in there is nothing you can do about it. 

Yet still choosing to trust God and follow His path. 🙂

There is a counter culture where actions in relationships are not appreciated, instead expected. This standard makes the dating process seem defeating and makes one powerless. Especially when you end with the, 'it's not you, it's me' line. 

A girl broke up with me today. Thankfully, I'm not defeated. Sad and disappointed, sure. 

Still, I can't help but think that some of this had something to do with the fact that I was the first person who has ever asked her out. 

It's like I took a hit for the future guy who is going to make that relationship a success. 

Thankfully, from my end, I did everything correctly. I was smooth about my approaches and I even got in a few hand holdings and continuing to totally play it smooth. A hug from time to time. Win! 

There is a risk in dating girls who have never dated either. I'm sure the same is true for reverse. Until you get the process, you can't make the conscious decision to commit. In order to commit, you have to be comfortable with the process. So true with so many elements in life! 🙂

There are people in your life who you will support along the way if they need help, and there are the people who are so close to you that you won't move on until they are really happy and confident.

I am so happy to be able to see my sisters all really happy. 

Also, my roommates have the love and support they need. 

Thank you Jesus!

Catchup

Times change, and the things I had once fought tremendously for suddenly seem fine just being left alone. 

It amazes me what stress has done to me over the past three years. It's like I am waking up emotionally and can go back to remaining calm and collected. 

Some people I have fought tremendously to hold on to, and it is so freeing to see them leave or you yourself finally let them go. 

What will the future hold? That is the game though, isn't it? 

As I continue to be revitalized. I feel more energy, projects are getting done. I am becoming truly happy again. 

I am so thankful that I held onto God throughout the stress and beyond from before the last three years and will continue to do so. Through thick and thin! 

Things I need to always remember to do...

1. Forgive yourself, no matter what- think things through where you have messed up and forgive yourself for that

2. You are not as important as you think 

3. You don't have to try to tell your entire life story in one conversation. 

Tonight was a reminder that everyone had lived crazy lives, and every story is worth telling! 

Also, I'm completely awkward, and I accept this. 

Today was interesting. For a theater college class, we have been going around town to look at various stages. After the first time we met, I saw a girl who I noticed once or twice walking to meet the class. Any guy with values would ask, and even more so, with my superhero complex, I saw myself trying to save the day, trying to make sure she had a ride. The first time, she denied me. The second time, she accepted my offer, and I felt good about myself. I felt like I had saved the day, helped someone be better, provide assistance to someone who needed a knight to come in and provide assistance. What I didn't notice was the fact that I felt after the woman accepted or declined my offer, I shut off my attention.

Let me explain more fully. Even though I was helping this girl get to and from these various theaters, this situation really became about me. I had to ask because it was right to do so, but when the party accepts or declines my offer, I continue on my way because I felt that I was a good person. I set the example. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Each day we drove together, she asked me to stop somewhere for lunch, so she could repay me for my efforts. We went to Chic-Fil-A on the first day and a bakery on the second. I had assumed her gratitude instead of appreciating it. In fact, I acted as though I was still doing her a big favor. Most of the time, she was talking, and I was only slightly listening. She was telling me about herself. She trusted me enough to tell me about her family. My level of conceit and selfishness was unbelievable.

This continued to esculate until today, our last theater location meeting. I picked up the girl and away we went. She talked along the way, and again, I remained selfish and about myself. I was listening only a little bit. After the tour of the theater house, this girl and me walked across the street to a coffee shop. Throughout this conversation, I found myself spacing. She was telling me about all sorts of things, and I responded with 'Cool', or 'that's funny'. I was not really engaged or genuine. The worst part of all was that she didn't notice. Had I become so good at this game that people dont even notice? I was disgusted at me. I was disgusted that I had made something about me. Totally about me.

To my full disappointment, I did not know a thing about her minus a detail here and there. How long had I been playing this game of being the superhero and saving the day and less about actually helping the person? I see a lot of people on a daily basis. How can I make sure my actions are in the moment and I am paying attention to people who talk to me? Most importantly, how to I avoid jumping into a situation to save the day? Can I just allow a problem to not get corrected or to my satisfactory?

I didn't get the job everyone thought I should. Mind. Blown. I'm still trying to fathom how. I have worked harder than any other employee. I, and facilities and my department, are blown away that I didn't get it. I cannot believe I didn't even get a chance. Hurtful. Yes. Especially because I value my work. I wish I knew if there was something I could have done to be better. There's not. Still it frustrates me. My challenge is slowly learning how to move forward. Do I continue working there or should I leave in anger? 

I have a problem with being different because I am considered nice. What is the alternative, being mean or indifferent? Without realizing it consciously, I have allowed myself to not care about people. Nobody around me does. Why should I put forth the extra effort? When I do, Im considered a Christian suck up who doesn't have a grip on reality.

I have allowed the world to define me, without my even knowing. I have always been nice in the past because it was who I was. There was a direct connection to my identity and the person I was in public. There is now too, but it is not centered around being nice to people. I am just being the standard that most people expect from each other. The problem is some people just keep on opening up to me the more I distant myself as the listener and lover.

I have felt much of my joy for life decrease. Things become more of an obligation than enjoyable tasks. This will take more processing and thought, but I believe I cannot be lukewarm. I must either separate even more from the people I consider my friends as I find myself, or I must bring being nice to a high-priority focus.

I have attempted to remove myself from tasks I consider an obligation to increase focus, but focus has been indifferent.

What breached the disconnect? This last year Ive worked harder than ever. I also participated in secular college classes. I had to rid myself of backburner priorities as I fought to stay afloat.

I continue to listen to podcasts, and I am attending church on Sundays.

Still, my spirit feels sad immediately. As I look deeper, it feels empty. 

Tonight I made a startling discovery. Back when I was in high school, My mom had moved us from our small town into the nearby big city. My parents had just recently divorced, and thus, We had both child-support and money for a decent house in our new community. My mother decided to rent because she thought that Jesus was coming back soon, and in the meantime, she could work at the ministry school we kids were getting ready to attend. The school is volunteer-based, and thus, You need to come up with your own income in order to work there. After the first year, Jesus had not come back. After the second year, we were still waiting. Finally after the third year, due to eating out a lot and poor financial choices, my family had become broke. 

My mom was excited for this phase, For this was her opportunity to live completely by faith. We still received child support, But because my Sister Megan and I had both graduated, My mom was only getting paid for my youngest sister Ashley. Megan and I had both continued at the school after we graduated. We became teachers. I taught third, fifth, and sixth grades while Megan taught first grade. 

We knew that mom had always told us she was living by faith, but we hadn't really taken her seriously considering our lifestyle of eating out and basically getting whatever we really needed or sometimes wanted. We had moved from a very wealthy class while my parents were married, and into a class where we were just barely getting by. I was okay with this sacrifice because we all knew what we were getting into moving to Omaha. Our ministry was people, all types of people, and we happily sacrificed as long as God would provide our basic needs. 

One winter morning while my family was dressing for school, my mom nonchalantly approached us, and she explained that we might be locked out after we came home from school today. She acted as though she didn't really care if we had a place to stay that night or not. I felt hurt by both my mom and God. How could my mom forsake her primary responsibility of being a parent and throw it by the wayside while her family counted so much on her? Secondly, where was God in all of this? We had sacrificed so much in order to follow God's will. We had chosen to forsake college for the time being in order to teach voluntarily a school that didn't pay. Our lives were not about ourselves is about teaching the word of God to others and making sure they had a solid education an intercity environment. Hadnt our sacrifice from riches to basically poor than enough?  He said he would provide for our needs. I felt betrayed, discouraged, and most of all, disappointed. How could the God of the angel armies do this to one of his believers? I had put him first in so many things! 

My family and basic survival skills kicked in after that. Instead of getting dressed that morning, my family loaded every thing we prize dearest into the car. We drove to the school because we had a responsibility to continue, but I didn't want to teach. I wanted to run so far away from a hurtful God who didn't appreciate me when I needed him most. The principal of the school saw our disgruntled faces, and she immediately asked my mother what was wrong. If looks could kill, I gave her a look that would have done the job instantly. Suddenly, I hated everything she stood for, Her walk of faith, and her persevering personality. 

As I was walking to my classroom, My mother explained to the principal in her office what was going on. I focused on my students, not wanting them to notice that I was struggling. 

The principal wrote my mom a check for the month's rent, my mom cashed the check, and immediately went to pay the landlord. While this was a very nice gesture, I could not deny my feelings of betrayal and being forgotten by God. One could argue that the Lord provided through the principal, but the Lord says to focus on him and he will provide all your needs. This was another human being feeling sorry for our situation. This was not God. 

We returned home that day and we unloaded the van and brought everything back into our rooms. I kept everything packed knowing that this was a slippery slope from here. After the next month, suddenly, again, we are at the mercy of the principal. This was becoming manipulation. This is not how the God of the Bible worked in the Bible.  He should have provided for our needs as long as we focused on his purposes. 

After this cycle repeated four or five times, the landlord finally told us that he wouldn't accept any more money and he just wanted us out. How could a family who used to be so wealthy now be an embarrassment to our family reputation and at the mercy of anyone who is willing to help? 

My mom received a call from an old church friend. The lady was excited to tell my mom that she was getting married. As my mom and her continued in conversation, my mom mentioned that soon we would not have a place to stay. Trying to do what's right, and help those in need, this lady offered her old house to us to come stay for a while. My mom was ecstatic. To her, this was an answer to prayer. To me, this was a sweet lady who felt sorry for my family's situation. 

As I packed, I had decided that I believed in God but I was not convinced that he cared about us or the sacrifices we were making in his name. My family was now at the mercy to all those who stood for Christ and his principles, instead of being at the mercy of God. 

The house was in one of the greatest crime impacted areas of Omaha. I felt ashamed telling my friends that I was teaching at a school for free in the name of Jesus and also at the mercy of anyone who would be willing to offer help. Such blasphemy! Jesus hadn't come through for us; people felt obligated to step in. 

If we would have rented the house I would've had no issue with the location where we live. Knowing that this was our only option, And also with the addition of tons of bedbugs in my new room, I was embarrassed and ashamed. My friends called the house up until the point when the phone got disconnected because we couldn't pay for it. Here we mighty Christians are for believing on the word of God sitting here with a disconnected phone line. Did God even care? 

It felt like my mom did not care about her family. She only cared about following 'God's will'. Some nights we would hear gunshots. I waited for my mother to finally make a decision to give up, but her perseverance was honorable.

The loneliness increased. How could an 18-year-old guy become so lonely and feel so forgotten? 

Approaching the end of the school year, I decided I would not remain at home sitting by myself waiting for God to move. I wanted to find an escape. I went online to research Christian caps. I looked for camps all over the Midwest ranging from Wyoming Colorado Kansas and Nebraska. Because it was so late in the season, most camps had already chosen their staff.  Just being especially cautious that I would have somewhere to go, I also applied at a Christian camp 45 minutes outside of Omaha. Out of all the campsite I applied at, only The local camp was still hiring. I quickly finished the school year and went for staff training.

Staff training for the camp I was would soon be attending began training the last week of school. I asked my principal for the days off, so I would be able to attend camp. The principal said 'no', and she in fact, called the camp to explain the situation. This crossed a major line with me.

The camp would not allow me to miss staff training, so I told the principle that I would be leaving regardless. The principal accepted my offer reluctantly, and in fact, she made the last week of school disappear for everyone in session. Everyone got out a week early.

I began, but I felt that the Lord had more for me to learn in the wilderness in my home where I had spent the school year. Regardless, I was done for the time being. About two weeks in to the camp, I felt I shift. This shift literally took my spirit from a dry wilderness into what felt like civilization. The shift I felt physically. It literally felt Like a lock had been sealed upon my heart for how deep I had just trotted with Jesus. It was like this camp was a cover-up, but I was had been so lonely that I would not return home even if I knew I should have. I felt as though the Lord would take me back around this mountain someday. This mountain, this journey, of loneliness. 

I willingly left what many people strive to seek out or entertain. I left a place where I felt it was just me and Jesus, for the friendship and society of our world. I felt as though God had not come through for me even though I trotted so deep waiting for him in face to pull me out. I felt as though God had not done his job, and I waited so strongly in faith, that it really hurt to feel abandoned. I felt as though God didn't care about the sacrifices I was making for him. Why hadn't God come through a time at my family specifically set apart to seek after him and learn about his ways? Why hadn't God provided for us when we needed him most? It became pity party for my family, instead of a family that was shining because God was prevalent in our lives.