Tonight I made a startling discovery. Back when I was in high school, My mom had moved us from our small town into the nearby big city. My parents had just recently divorced, and thus, We had both child-support and money for a decent house in our new community. My mother decided to rent because she thought that Jesus was coming back soon, and in the meantime, she could work at the ministry school we kids were getting ready to attend. The school is volunteer-based, and thus, You need to come up with your own income in order to work there. After the first year, Jesus had not come back. After the second year, we were still waiting. Finally after the third year, due to eating out a lot and poor financial choices, my family had become broke. 

My mom was excited for this phase, For this was her opportunity to live completely by faith. We still received child support, But because my Sister Megan and I had both graduated, My mom was only getting paid for my youngest sister Ashley. Megan and I had both continued at the school after we graduated. We became teachers. I taught third, fifth, and sixth grades while Megan taught first grade. 

We knew that mom had always told us she was living by faith, but we hadn't really taken her seriously considering our lifestyle of eating out and basically getting whatever we really needed or sometimes wanted. We had moved from a very wealthy class while my parents were married, and into a class where we were just barely getting by. I was okay with this sacrifice because we all knew what we were getting into moving to Omaha. Our ministry was people, all types of people, and we happily sacrificed as long as God would provide our basic needs. 

One winter morning while my family was dressing for school, my mom nonchalantly approached us, and she explained that we might be locked out after we came home from school today. She acted as though she didn't really care if we had a place to stay that night or not. I felt hurt by both my mom and God. How could my mom forsake her primary responsibility of being a parent and throw it by the wayside while her family counted so much on her? Secondly, where was God in all of this? We had sacrificed so much in order to follow God's will. We had chosen to forsake college for the time being in order to teach voluntarily a school that didn't pay. Our lives were not about ourselves is about teaching the word of God to others and making sure they had a solid education an intercity environment. Hadnt our sacrifice from riches to basically poor than enough?  He said he would provide for our needs. I felt betrayed, discouraged, and most of all, disappointed. How could the God of the angel armies do this to one of his believers? I had put him first in so many things! 

My family and basic survival skills kicked in after that. Instead of getting dressed that morning, my family loaded every thing we prize dearest into the car. We drove to the school because we had a responsibility to continue, but I didn't want to teach. I wanted to run so far away from a hurtful God who didn't appreciate me when I needed him most. The principal of the school saw our disgruntled faces, and she immediately asked my mother what was wrong. If looks could kill, I gave her a look that would have done the job instantly. Suddenly, I hated everything she stood for, Her walk of faith, and her persevering personality. 

As I was walking to my classroom, My mother explained to the principal in her office what was going on. I focused on my students, not wanting them to notice that I was struggling. 

The principal wrote my mom a check for the month's rent, my mom cashed the check, and immediately went to pay the landlord. While this was a very nice gesture, I could not deny my feelings of betrayal and being forgotten by God. One could argue that the Lord provided through the principal, but the Lord says to focus on him and he will provide all your needs. This was another human being feeling sorry for our situation. This was not God. 

We returned home that day and we unloaded the van and brought everything back into our rooms. I kept everything packed knowing that this was a slippery slope from here. After the next month, suddenly, again, we are at the mercy of the principal. This was becoming manipulation. This is not how the God of the Bible worked in the Bible.  He should have provided for our needs as long as we focused on his purposes. 

After this cycle repeated four or five times, the landlord finally told us that he wouldn't accept any more money and he just wanted us out. How could a family who used to be so wealthy now be an embarrassment to our family reputation and at the mercy of anyone who is willing to help? 

My mom received a call from an old church friend. The lady was excited to tell my mom that she was getting married. As my mom and her continued in conversation, my mom mentioned that soon we would not have a place to stay. Trying to do what's right, and help those in need, this lady offered her old house to us to come stay for a while. My mom was ecstatic. To her, this was an answer to prayer. To me, this was a sweet lady who felt sorry for my family's situation. 

As I packed, I had decided that I believed in God but I was not convinced that he cared about us or the sacrifices we were making in his name. My family was now at the mercy to all those who stood for Christ and his principles, instead of being at the mercy of God. 

The house was in one of the greatest crime impacted areas of Omaha. I felt ashamed telling my friends that I was teaching at a school for free in the name of Jesus and also at the mercy of anyone who would be willing to offer help. Such blasphemy! Jesus hadn't come through for us; people felt obligated to step in. 

If we would have rented the house I would've had no issue with the location where we live. Knowing that this was our only option, And also with the addition of tons of bedbugs in my new room, I was embarrassed and ashamed. My friends called the house up until the point when the phone got disconnected because we couldn't pay for it. Here we mighty Christians are for believing on the word of God sitting here with a disconnected phone line. Did God even care? 

It felt like my mom did not care about her family. She only cared about following 'God's will'. Some nights we would hear gunshots. I waited for my mother to finally make a decision to give up, but her perseverance was honorable.

The loneliness increased. How could an 18-year-old guy become so lonely and feel so forgotten? 

Approaching the end of the school year, I decided I would not remain at home sitting by myself waiting for God to move. I wanted to find an escape. I went online to research Christian caps. I looked for camps all over the Midwest ranging from Wyoming Colorado Kansas and Nebraska. Because it was so late in the season, most camps had already chosen their staff.  Just being especially cautious that I would have somewhere to go, I also applied at a Christian camp 45 minutes outside of Omaha. Out of all the campsite I applied at, only The local camp was still hiring. I quickly finished the school year and went for staff training.

Staff training for the camp I was would soon be attending began training the last week of school. I asked my principal for the days off, so I would be able to attend camp. The principal said 'no', and she in fact, called the camp to explain the situation. This crossed a major line with me.

The camp would not allow me to miss staff training, so I told the principle that I would be leaving regardless. The principal accepted my offer reluctantly, and in fact, she made the last week of school disappear for everyone in session. Everyone got out a week early.

I began, but I felt that the Lord had more for me to learn in the wilderness in my home where I had spent the school year. Regardless, I was done for the time being. About two weeks in to the camp, I felt I shift. This shift literally took my spirit from a dry wilderness into what felt like civilization. The shift I felt physically. It literally felt Like a lock had been sealed upon my heart for how deep I had just trotted with Jesus. It was like this camp was a cover-up, but I was had been so lonely that I would not return home even if I knew I should have. I felt as though the Lord would take me back around this mountain someday. This mountain, this journey, of loneliness. 

I willingly left what many people strive to seek out or entertain. I left a place where I felt it was just me and Jesus, for the friendship and society of our world. I felt as though God had not come through for me even though I trotted so deep waiting for him in face to pull me out. I felt as though God had not done his job, and I waited so strongly in faith, that it really hurt to feel abandoned. I felt as though God didn't care about the sacrifices I was making for him. Why hadn't God come through a time at my family specifically set apart to seek after him and learn about his ways? Why hadn't God provided for us when we needed him most? It became pity party for my family, instead of a family that was shining because God was prevalent in our lives.