So many questions of value. An I worth it? Am I worth fighting for? She has this solid family, and I do not have much to offer in return. I feel betrayed. I feel like I am out of my league. I almost want to question 'should I turn back now?'. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be felt sorry for. I will not be a charity case!

I just got done hearing Dave doing the message. That's where these feelings are coming from. The Lord assures me it is his anointing I am taken back by, not the struggling person he is or we all are with him.

My first feeling is to run. It has continued to be throughout this. I feel like I am not good enough. It's like my natural go-to is to hide, protect myself, and clam up.

My second reaction is to wait it out. Because I don't want to move too quickly, I become accustomed to these feelings I never knew I had or even came close to identifying with. I have gone through enough things of God to know that waiting while he is twisting things inside of you is the best policy. It's like a jaw bone being broken, so it can be reset. The molding process. Necessary, and needed. Especially when things rise to the surface that are new are old and locked deep inside of the soul you had no idea you had.

My policy has always been to feel the other person's heartbeat in situations before my own, and this works until I find someone who has the exact same policy. We make decisions based upon what we think the other person wants, and it is off. It has always been easy to make a decision, yet this is one of the times I am asked to do something for me. It's hard after living in this mentality that to become selfish once again, almost taboo.

The thing that moved this forward to this current vulnerable place (and I feel it is going to get a lot more vulnerable) is Melissa addressing my concern with a decision. I never want someone to be in a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons, so I always leave the door of escape open. I feel it violates the other person's right if I never offer that choice. Melissa addressed this by saying 'I want to be in this. I am on-board. I don't care if I'm on a sinking ship, I'm committed to this, and I want you to be too.' That sold me. I'm going to try. This understanding that I'm not going to be perfect opens up my attempt to try.

I find that I don't try to do things because I already know in advance that I can't be perfect at it. It is my natural 'go to'. Understanding that and giving me the freedom to fail and for the person willing to take the consequences makes this worth the attempt. It gives me the FREEDOM to try.