The hardest thing for me is to walk out onto a semi-hard platform expecting it to hold you. How on earth do you even chance making such an attempt?

I have (Really God has) pulled me through so much ughness (yes, I just made this a word), and he has given me time to put myself together and move. By constantly going, I do not let things get a firm grasp on me.

I'm sorry? Share that??

These are my ponderings. Honestly, I have a lot on the line here. I do not want to be seen like a charity case, however. I need to see that she is being just as vulnerable. Does she want to hear about me growing up lonely? Can I even go to those days again? I don't feel as though my life is hers to carry. I have been a 'watcher', instead of a 'player' for these reasons.

On top of these thoughts that my life really seems to be a mess despite the fact that I feel I have it together more than some, Melissa brought up another point. I do not have any solid relationship examples of marriage in my life. I don't. This doesn't make me weak; this is reality.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to put your life on the line on a flimsy piece of board. True, honest trust. Trust enough that it hurts to confess from the very fibers of my being. It's really not that bad! Seriously, most of it was just suppressed feelings that I did not/could not acknowledge at the time.

Weakness. Charity case. I will not. Especially in a movement when Christians are dying daily. I am a warrior, and I need to fight. To be honest. To be strong.

These are my ponderings.