WAMBASHED. Yeah, that's my word for it!

**totally knocked off guard**

Dont you hate when that happens?

I have been dating my girlfriend for close to three months now, and I continue to analyze things and make sure I am doing this scene correctly. Woot for me. lol I am placing procedures into place when I am see that something could be stronger, and so far, it is going well. Call me, Mr. Analytical, sure. Still, I like my thought process!

Today, while getting coffee with Melissa, she said something that caught me totally off guard. Now, she is speaking in a nationwide conference in June, and she wants me to fly down to hear her speak and hang out afterwards. It will be her, her mother, her father, and me. Now, fortunately, the parent deal doesnt bother me (mom scared me at first), but just being there DID.

Counsel is something the C&MA (denomination) puts on every two-three years. Think of it like a giant sukkot...like a giant conference with all of the nation's pastors and spiritual leaders in one place. While this sounds less than inviting (and definitely something I dont want to do!), try having a girlfriend who is asking you to listen to her speak AT this convention. I. Just. About. Died.

Why though?

What are my reasons?

I never want to be someone who just closes off his emotions; I want to be someone who processes his hesitations and can reply with a clear cut reason to why he makes the choices he does. I dont care what the normal expectation is for most men. I want to live life authentically. With these pre-ethics determined, it's time for application.

I dont want to attend the conference because I feel judged....something I usually NEVER feel. I am going to be meeting a bunch of people who are biggies who actually think they are part of my life. Hesitation? I think yes. I do not want to be the person who others feel they have to like because I am dating someone in their group. Better yet, meeting all kinds of people who feel they have to be friends with me to remain in Melissa's life. ENOUGH. That scares and alarms me. Would I be able to be that person who ditches people like the plague? You bet! Still, I do not think Melissa is going to let me off that easy.

She called me out today. She said that she trusts me and wants me to be there. She said that regardless of what I do, that will not spill into her reputation of who she is. Let's face it; I dont want to be walking on pins and needles, and this is why I would be the quietest man alive while we are at places she is speaking at. I dont want to be judged. Melissa said that she likes me for me, and she wants me to be nothing more than herself. She does not care if that risks her reputation or relationships with certain people. Mind Blown. That takes my whole 'operation incognito' away. Also, it gives me the freedom to make some of this world me own. #notexpectingthat I am beginning to breathe more, and I am honestly starting to see how this can work. Good grief. I am moving forward in the ability to be confident in a place I know nothing about.

I am still processing, for I still am beginning to wrap my mind around this. I am comfortable in my own skin, as Im sure you well know, but when is suddenly involves someone else, forget it! I have been in situations with leaders where there are things I can talk about in public and things I cant. I feel it is fake, especially in a world where people NEED authentic.

I am so used to being superman to people not walking with Jesus that I have never even considered a more focused class. The spiritual leader class, no doubt. Goodness..... Now, this isnt to say that I cant be a spiritual leader. I can.....look at what I am about, but I have never been able to even come close to pastors and other people. Post my parents divorce, I developed an idea that I never want to get close to wealthy people (or people who associate with the wealthy). I feel it is a class of people who are not in touch with the world. Seriously, they can be the nicest people, but immediately after I find out they live in a wealthy neighborhood, I develop a personal vendetta against them. I have always said that I need to work at that, but here really is my chance to. To not have to be superman and just to be there to talk and personally develop as a leader....to be on the offense and not on the defense with a body of believers......is hard and not what I am expecting.

I have always assumed I would be in a serious relationship with someone who needed to feel the love of Jesus. This has always been my standard. I have never considered the aspects of meeting someone who was already a passionate believer in Jesus. Looking objectively at this, it makes sense. I tell people constantly to 'not missionary date'. I just never realized that was the type of woman I was setting my standards for. 'Loving someone like Jesus loves them' sounds good thing theory, but a relationship has to be fulfilling in two ways. The believer has to be grow in receiving as well as giving. Ironically, that is a hard concept to understand emotionally. Conceptwise, it makes total sense.

It's like I have been a strong in the deep waters for so long that I only begin to identify myself as someone who 'saves others' and then sets them on their way. I was not ready to meet others in the deep waters with me. Pride? Probably yes. Path check? Definitely 'yes'. So all of this to say that if work allows, I will be going to Florida and just being MYSELF. I will be able to be myself in peace and not feel the reprimanded results of NOT being the generic copy of the Christian church.  #breathingagain

Ill keep you posted on my mental process! haha, my flesh says that if it ends up being a bunch of prideful people who cannot connect with the common body, screw this, but my heart is saying that it results from trust issues with the church from years past. Let's move forward!