Marriage.....she brought up marriage. My stomach felt SICK. Um, how did I get this far into something. Now, granted, she said that it was way down the line if we ever decided, but the fact that we openly discussed it, brings one too many squirmy feelings to my body.

My hesitations? First off, I feel like getting married to ANYBODY is the beginning of so many negative things. It's like the beginning of getting old. Good grief. Am I ready to ripen? Secondly, I feel like it is the beginning of death of the awesome, endless freedom I've enjoyed so many years. Is a relationship worth this? Am I ready to settle down and just commit to my family? I always told myself that I must take the responsible role when the opportunity came, but now while I'm staring at it, I could have no farther feeling than the one I do. I don't think I'm ready to be tied down. It's like a kicking dragon, a child who don want to get dressed for church, whatever. Thirdly, am I even close to being the family head material? I have no prior experience. I have no real solid people to look up to who have done this well and Godly. Am I way too over my head for this? Will I just give up someday and say 'I just can't take this anymore?'. Will I get so annoyed with Melissa that I just give up on her? I just don't trust myself. While going into new territory anyways, I feel it is foolish to act like I know what choices I will make. I have seen parts of myself I never knew existed in this, and I'm afraid that by not knowing that, in the future, the possibility of royally messing up is outstanding.

All this aside, what about my witness? I have told youth for years to wait until two years to marry your partner. You go through the seasons twice. Your success rates of being in a lasting marriage are high because you have waited so long. The infatuation stage has worn off long enough. If I have expected other people to consider these facts, I feel strongly that I want to follow them.

I told her there are three things I am waiting for in order for me to even consider going there. First, I feel there are still parts of her heart that she doesn't true me on. Not that she is doing it on purpose, but those things can only be released with time. As she realizes that I am going to still be with her through it, she will build her trust with me. Until then, we have more things to process. Secondly, I think that many of the people she is around is super negative toward her. It is strange, but at the same time, I do not want it to be part of our future. I need to be sure she is willing to step forward with me and leave the negative names people have given her behind. Not that these people are bad, but they have been able to give her so many names in the past that she is ok with it and now so is the culture. Third thing, I have no idea how well she will do with the messianic yet, so that weighs heavy on my heart. I want her to do it with me with a pure heart. These are my trepidations.